In an age of sickening health consciousness and rampant vegetarianism, the once mighty hamburger has been vilified and cast into the fatty shadows alongside egg yolks and deep-fried Crisco.

Undaunted, I set out on a quest to find the best burgers in town. It was a tough, greasy job, but I live to serve.

I started off at McDonalds. It's a small chain of burger joints known worldwide for its commitment to quality and nutrition. Their signature burger, the " Big Mac", is comprised of two " All Beef�" patties, some sort of special sauce, lettuce, (processed) cheese, pickles and "onions" on a bun speckled with sesame seeds.

It sounded good, but tasted like the cow had grazed in a landfill for its entire life and the special sauce may or may not have been rendered manatee fat. Can someone tell me how this place stays open?

Next up, I schlepped to White Spot, a local Vancouver institution. They may be going through a fancy, Feenie-assisted rebranding, but it's still all about the burgers.

I went with the classic "Legendary" burger. It came crowned with a slice of pickle, which I think used to be the way Polish men proposed to their girlfriends. The much lauded "Triple O" sauce was just watered-down 1000 Island Dressing, and they smothered the patty with buckets of the stuff. Still, it was a pretty decent burger � even with the disturbingly soggy bun. But I knew there was a better one out there.

So I stepped back in time and checked out Moderne Burger. The lineup was out the door and along Broadway - it made me think I was in for a treat. Once seated, I went with a vanilla Coke (old school!) and the steak burger smothered in onions.

The handsome sandwich came dwarfed in the shadow of a lording mountain of fries � which unfortunately turned out to be the best part of the meal. Don't get me wrong, the burger was good, but it just wasn't "great". I wanted to like it, but the no-frills meat and bland, white bun left me sadly underwhelmed. And by sadly underwhelmed, I mean stuffed to the gills and unable to walk.

I was beginning to feel despondent and slightly lightheaded from heart palpitations. But my quest was soon to end. My delirious, nitrate-induced wandering brought me to Vera's Burger Shack. They aren't cheap, but burgers are like shoes and ketchup � you get what you pay for.

With gourmet offerings like "The Baja Burger" or the salami-infused "Cantor", picking was tough. But I went with my heart (or should I say, against my heart) and tried the "Four Cheese Burger". I fainted twice while eating it and got a bad case of the meat sweats � but it was all worth it. Gooey, spicy and not doctor recommended at all, Vera's took away me to a wonderful, beefy place I never wanted to leave.